Welcome back?

I had a post prepared - one about how good I’ve been doing since I last checked in and all that crap...

But I re-read it and realised just how fake it all sounded, so I deleted it and I’m starting again.

I've had a really shitty time since I last posted. While nothing in particular has set me off - there's been a few things that have just set me off.

On Thursday night I went to a hen’s night and ran into a bunch of old friends that I haven't seen since the ex and I broke up. Mainly because they were his friends first and after all that time together no one really knew what to do.

Basically - I really miss the ex.

I know that sounds so stupid to say and I know anyone who actually knows me who reads this will probably be yelling at their screen right now - but he was my best friend. When he said he never wanted to speak to me again - I felt like my best friend had died.

And now I miss him. I miss my old life, I miss our old friends, I miss his family, and I miss talking to him.

I feel like I don't have a right to be upset because I was the one to break it off - so I’ve spent the last 9 months pretending everything's ok and it's not. I'm not ok and I’m not coping.

I still live in the apartment we moved in to not because it's a really nice apartment - but because it was the place that we moved into together.

I'm never home and I’m never alone because when I am I cry.

I've started seeing someone else and I really like him and I feel guilty for liking him because he was around when everything fell apart and he picked up the pieces.

And now I’m a pathetic Bridget Jones type - effectively writing in my 'diary' about how I want everything and I cry because I can't get it.

His mum called me this afternoon to invite me over for dinner because even though we've broken up - she still thinks of me as her favorite and when I hung up with her I sat at my desk and cried.

I'm pathetic and I hate being pathetic.